Free Spirit | Part 3: Alone in the Wilderness
what’s done in the dark...
**Trigger warning: part 3 mentions layers of trauma including abandonment, disordered eating, alcoholism and suicidal ideation.**
If you haven’t read part 1 and part 2, I would suggest starting there.
I’ve linked them below.
She spiraled…
Cows…I hate cows..
Why do they talk like that??
I don’t understand anything these people are saying….
“MOM I WANT TO GO BACK TO NEW YORK!!”
Her cries for help were drowned out by calls from bill collectors and busyness to make ends meet. 16 hour shifts, her mom was never home. Abandoned to “keep a roof over her head,” left to navigate grief alone, pacified by bootleg DVDs and “you know daddy loves you.”
She resented her father. She had to force herself to talk to him.
How could he just leave us out here? Leave me out here? To fend for myself?
Was I a mistake?
Feeling overlooked and not quite knowing how to cope with those big feelings of abandonment and rejection, she turned to whatever felt like love. Adoration and validation for being the pretty girl, the smart girl, the athlete… while in secret watching her sexual fantasies lived out through TV screens, experimenting with friends to see how it would feel, binging and purging to fit the mold - lots of it. Whatever to numb the pain, whatever to escape…
If I die today would anyone even cry?
If I ran away would anyone even care?
If I hung myself from the chandelier would it withstand my weight?
How much NyQuil do I have to drink?
How much Tylenol do I need to take?
If I slit my wrist how long would it take?
These thoughts ran rampant through her mind, alone, not knowing where to turn, too afraid to ask Jeeves on public computers, she asked her grandfather for help.
“Papinton, if you’re up there in heaven help me…”
Church Clothes
After leaving New York, church wasn’t a place she attended every Sunday. She would only go to hang out and have fun with friends on youth night.
“Chérie! My church is having a teen retreat, ask your mom if you could come!”
A vacation with friends, I’m down!
Her mom agreed, she went…
…but she didn’t stop what she was doing in secret. It was at this retreat she saw, for the first time, her friend get a demon cast out of him. It was here that she first felt the spirit of God and was afraid that it would come for her next and she would fall out in convulsions on the floor like her friend did.
What do I do grandpa?
It was here, for the first time in her life, she felt wrong for what she was doing in the dark. It was here that she first witnessed Christian miming to the song that would stick with her forever.
She left feeling different. She didn’t want to tell anyone how she felt. So she continued on.
Graduation Day
About a year after the retreat…
I’m going to college and never looking back!
Leaving all this behind!
I can be a completely different person there.
No one knows me…
She did just that.
Alcohol and drugs met her there, it was her 18th birthday. A friend rolled her a birthday bleezy, a send off joint if you will. It wasn’t her first time. She would sneak “taps” on Wray and Nephew bottles in her mom’s kitchen. Friends would tempt her with stuffed dutches, like “just one time not gunna kill you Chérie.”
The escape she felt she needed from the emotions she suppressed deep inside.
“I’m free..”
School ‘Spirit’
Freshman year.
She continued to escape… almost every weekend.
The darkness became her light. It became her secret place.
Two years later, she was 20, straight A student, she found herself behind bars, convicted of her second DUI. Her best friend couldn’t bail her out this time, she had to stay.
There in the holding cell, on the cold metal bench, drunk, she laughed at herself..
Cherie, wtf…you’re in jail…what…look at you…lol *vomits*
Everyone there would say, “you don’t belong here.” Like they saw something she didn’t.
She continued to run
but shame filled her
guilt surrounded her
she couldn’t face her family…
crippled with anxiety coupled with
bouts of unexplained sadness…
panic attacks paralyzed her and
blurred her gaze…
Lawyers couldn’t save her…
She was alone in the crowd…
I need peace…
peaceful music for anxiety…Google, send.
432 Hz Sound Healing Frequency for Anxiety… this looks nice.
*Presses play*
Every day she would play these frequencies, loud enough for her roommates to hear. There it began.. the sounds that filled her secret place. She continued to run.
Into the Water
It’s her 21st birthday, her best friend invites her to a local Baptist church. The last time she went to church was the retreat in high school that no one in college knew about.
She went.
She felt uncomfortable.
People were screaming hallelujah and falling to the ground, she laughed.
Not this again…
She couldn’t bring herself to say those words, clap her hands, or sing. It was like her throat had a boulder in it every time she went to church.
She sat silent.
“Come to bible study with me, Chérie!”
She went.
A few months later, her friend began to sing in the choir, so she sat in the pew, alone, again.
She began to feel that feeling again… that the spirit of God would come for her next.
what do I do grandpa?
Her heart felt heavy.
Reluctantly, face full of tears, she made her way to the altar during altar call. Like she did when she was 9…
“I don’t know what to do,” she cried.
“Did you accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior?” said the Deacon.
“I don’t know….”
Broken… she wept, he prayed over her, that day, she met the LOVE of God that she’d been running from and accepted Jesus Christ as her Lord and Savior.
A few days later, she stepped into the water and was baptized in the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit.
The Fall
She graduates college, unable to attend church or bible study.
The seasons change, she’s now living with her sister miles away from the church where she found God’s love.
It was a cool fall day when her sister explodes through the door of their two bedroom apartment.
“MOMMY IS IN THE HOSPITAL AT GRADY! SHE GOT INTO A CAR ACCIDENT, SHE’S IN THE ER, THEY’RE TAKING HER BACK FOR EMERGENCY SURGERY, SHE HAS INTERNAL BLEEDING! THEY AIR LIFTED HER, WE HAVE TO GO NOW!”
They rushed to the hospital in a panic.
Full of anxiety they waited hours to see her.
There, in post op, they saw her, breathing but badly bruised, feeding tube in her nose.
They wept.
“Mommy can you hear me, how are you feeling?!”
No words, just grunts.
I can’t take this…
While her mom was in the hospital, her grandma came up from Jamaica to visit.
It had been years since she saw her grandma, not since her grandfather’s funeral.
“Mamani! You’re here!”
“Yes, my dear. I came to see your mama. How are you?!”
“I’m good, can’t wait to see you!”
“Yes, darling, I will see you soon!”
*ends FaceTime*
She never saw her grandmother.
A few days after that FaceTime call, mid-week, her grandmother fell and hit her head. They rushed her to the hospital. The same hospital her mom was in. Doctors said the injuries were more severe than they first expected.
Within a two week time frame, her grandmother was pronounced brain dead. Sepsis took over her body. They had to pull the plug.
GRIEF thick as molasses filled her body.
WHY GOD?! I’m in so much pain…
She ran…again…to the only thing she felt could give her peace…
432 Hz Sounds Healing Frequency for Anxiety, over-stuffed spliff, wine glass in hand, she escaped into her secret place…
It had been exactly a year since she gave her life to Christ and was baptized.
Thank you for taking the time to read part 3 of Free Spirit, where I share my faith journey in full with the world. There’s really only so much I can type, so part 4 will be a live discussion, here on Substack. The second to last installment. If you don’t have the Substack app, I suggest downloading it so you can get the full experience and updates on when I’m going live.
If my work resonates with you or offers help, I would be grateful if you could share it with a friend or loved one in need.
Always love, Chérie ♡
This speaks volumes and brings tears to my eyes! I hope your faith journey brings you all you need and want in this life! 💞